It’s for sale: Haunted, boxy, loads of gaudy murals (and morals) steps from the TTC, and full of spirits. Both kinds
By MIKE STROBELÂ
The Toronto Sun Website
(Newsflash: The Sun building will be listed for sale, publisher Kin-Man Lee tells staff. It’s too big and he doesn’t want to be a landlord. So … )
Hurry!!! Primo!!!! Won’t last!!!!
KING STREET CUTIE!!!!!
Sidesplit, 300,000 square-foot red-brick jewel in the heart of red-hot Olde York.
Historic, original 1970s Box of Brick style, with STUNNING addition and makeover in Late 20th-Century Revival.
Steps to TTC. In fact, be careful or be schmucked by a streetcar. Perfect location for flipping bird at drivers during sudden transit strikes.
Parking for 190, plus 351/2 baths, including toilets for 94, urinals for 21, and showers for 15 very, very close friends.
Let’s party!!! Spacious living-dining. Finished basement. Three full kitchens. Water coolers, which have heard some amazing tales.
No bedrooms as such, but comfy couches galore and countless stairwells to curl up in.
Comfort Room, to entertain a special someone or unwind after cleaning 351/2 washrooms.
Let the sun shine in!! Or gawk at the stars, and I don’t just mean Liz Braun. Skylights soar above Gone With The Wind central staircase.
SWEEPING VIEWS
Stock up on Windex. 232 windows in assorted shapes and sizes, and you keep the vertical blinds.
Light fixtures stay, including some wires we’re not sure what the hell they are.
Picturesque 3.92 acres, with sweeping views of the lake, CN Tower, financial district, Betty’s bar, Zoulpy’s deli and Fire Station 333.
Newer roof.
Security PLUS! Sixteen cameras. WHAT!!!?? (Not in the comfort room, Mikey.) Steely men in uniforms also available.
Zoned commercial, but we can fix that. Mayor Miller luvs us.
PLUS!!! a ton of other bonuses!!!!
Wall-to-wall carpet, potted plants, pot-lights, any pot left in the entertainment department, and 50 tons of Goss presses, for that busy modern family with heavy printing needs.
One of a kind haunted room!!!!
Everyone who has ever occupied a certain second-floor office has been fired. Rare opportunity for business owner with problem employee. Or family with problem child.
Other spirits abound, with names like Rimmer, Big Red, Shaky, Mac, Moneypenny, the Moaner, the Baron.
Did we mention the murals?!!
Kick back with a brew and feast your eyes on the history of Toronto parading across your very own Front St. wall.
Or the Donato masterpiece in the breakfast nook, lampooning many celebs.
Andy says it’s worth $4.5 million in today’s market.
But, for you, FREE!!!! If you buy this property before Canada Day.
Shows like a model!!!! Fully equipped photo studio. SUNshine Girls not included.
DEDICATED HORDE
A dedicated horde of parking officers on King St. You can bloody well have ‘em for all we care.
Also: An oasis in the city!!! A jungle of ferns and small trees, some real, some suspiciously shiny.
Umpteen framed photos of Joe Carter celebrating his 1993 World Series-winning homer.
Stacks of old newspapers and any journos found slumbering therein.
Several dust-coated but collectible IBM typewriters. Museum quality.
I think I recognize John Downing’s pawprint on one of them.
Income potential!!!! You could house Kitchener in the basement.
Sorry, not included: Incidental bald columnists.
Or the Headless Argo photo. Already gave that away to a friend of the Headless Argo.
Or the fish tank in Paul Godfrey’s old office. It’s gone. Sprang a leak, a day before the kitchen served Seafood Chowder Surprise.
Or the best damn newspaper staff in the country.
This whole deal will take months, maybe years. Terms negotiable. We’ll rent back, or we’ll move out.
I wonder if the Eclipse Building is available.
Rare find!!!!
Stop looking!!! You’re home!!!! Move in!!!
